Ramblings of a twenty year old.

Sometimes we run into ghosts of our pasts. Might be people, might be experiences, might even be a feeling. Sometimes when it comes back, you realize you still would hurt just as bad as you did before. That nothing has changed and the wounds that were left behind have barely begun to heal.

In my younger years, I believed such ghosts could only be people. That once they are gone, throw back some shots of whiskey (or tequila whichever rocks your boat), glow up and bibbidi bobbidi boo the pain is gone, forever. Boy was I wrong. The pain brought by feelings certain people evoked in you is the worst thing imaginable. Psychological pain can leave beautiful souls with ugly stains for quite some time. That nagging, bitter and revolting sensation deep in your lungs.

So hot it warms up your breathe and fires up your crazy.

So cold it freezes your heart and numbs you to the core.

A fiery dragon with a heart of stone.

I would stare at the screen every evening as they reported a new cure for common ailments. Oh how I wish they could solve the most common of all pains; Heartbreak.

For the longest time I thought I would only get heart broken when that fine,tall,dark guy with the nice smile and the bad boy strut wouldn’t text me back. When my celebrity crush gets engaged to his actual girlfriend. When the guy I’ve been seeing for two years says he doesn’t feel this anymore via text.

In this case thank you for higher education. University gave me such a beautiful life experience I should be a registered life coach on how to live your best life. We meet all kinds of people and we fix our broken selves together.

Once we open up our eyes to what’s in front of us, we see with our souls. You’d see the woman who desperately wants to hold her child in her arms but has miscarried three times and her husband wants a new wife.

You’d see the student who is working three odd jobs and falling behind in school because he’s trying to foot his fees.

You’d see the parent whose child is lying in a hospital bed ,writhing in pain, and all they can do is hold their hand and say it will be okay. You’d see the man who stays up all night wondering why his wife left him and their children for another man. You’d see the young girl in a tattered dress, a dirt stained face and outstretched hands wondering if she’ll make it to the next year in good health. You’d see the family that mourns the loss of their beloved son but comfort themselves because he is in a better place. You’d see the rich parents in their gated community home wondering if their spoilt children will come home in a casket because they overdosed on their drug of choice.

Sometimes things fall apart so that others can come back together. Sometimes the pain exists to remind you that you are just as human as the next person. Sometimes it’s to test your limits. Sometimes it exists to show you just how much you can overcome. Sometimes, it just let’s you appreciate the little good things that are going on for you.

Love is the greatest gift one could have and give. To oneself and those around you. As great of a gift as it is, it puts us through some of the most nerve wrecking and emotional experiences of our life. Whether you drown the pain in that corner street bar, in a bucket of fried foods, under a hot shower head or in the arms of another broken soul.

I met a mere human a while back. Looked like any odd Joe from around. Moderately long hair, eyes as brown as hot chocolate that warmed your insides up when he stared into your eyes, a smile that made the angels sing and a soul so beautiful it should have been stored behind a glass encasement at the Louvre.

Needless to say ( I still will) I was swept off my feet. Hit right in the chest with one of Cupid’s stupid arrows. La vie en rose. I was in heaven baby. Candle lit dinners, proposals under the stars as mosquitoes have a cocktail party on your legs, days just lying in bed staring into each others eyes (I can’t believe this wasn’t just a movie thing), a gossip buddy and a personal assistant.

Part of growing up is getting the whole package deal. It’s not always a bed of roses, we’ve got to have a few thorns wedged in between the cushioning. The petty fights, the physical fights, the loud fights and the scariest one of them all, the silent ones. Sometimes you want to let it all go but you’ve discovered your high, your choice of drug and its right there, standing in a basketball jersey on a hot Saturday afternoon. You just need to stretch out your hands and engulf it, say it loud enough to be heard but low enough for your pride to be salvaged later.

My point after all this, you’ll get hurt, you’ll fall down, you’ll get back up and walk it off. You’ll walk through the storm with the best weapon of all, a smile and hope for that silver lining. (Don’t forget the sweater and the rain gear.)

Get your support system right and the pain never lasts. We just get strong enough to heal and admire our scars.

The Boogie Man.

To be honest, I don’t know who the boogie man is. He is supposed to be a scary creepy man who terrifies the pee out of you. Right? Right? Well to me he is. But he is so many different things to me too.

So I’ve been having terrible nightmares. Ghastly ones really. I can’t sleep at all. I’m terrified of the night. The dark. What it hides. What it doesn’t. What it comes carrying with it.

Sometimes I sit on bed and count the mosquitoes that try to get a sip of my fine wine. Sometimes I wish I could play an instrument and get lost in its soothing notes. Drifting. Soaring. Falling notes that leave you in a world that doesn’t exist. If you don’t get lost in a beautiful alternate universe when listening to music, you’re listening to the wrong type of music. Tonight (wee hours of the morning) however I’ll write.

Inside, I’m bubbling like a witches cauldron. I’m still yet I’m not. There’s a whole fight going on. I’m in a big battle field. Almost the size of a shopping mall once you lose your mum. Armor on. Shields up. Swords in hand. No. No. I’m losing it. Rubbing my eyes doesn’t even help. I’m at war with myself? This makes no sense. There I am. Against myself yet still willing to draw my weapon out. Oh well, it could be worse.

3:00A.M

Why are you still up? What could be that important? The nightmares? That leave you shaking in your sheets that happen to be wet with sweat already. The dementors that haunt your dreams and make it something out of a horror movie. Its been weeks of restless nights. Now you walk around looking like death. Puffy eyes. Veiny bloodshot eyes. A permanent upside down smile.

Oh. My head is full of nonsense and full of pure gold. I can’t .

PS: This blog post just shows how far people fall.

Goodnight.

Bambi.

This could have had any other title. Missing Title. Find You. Wait. Elastic Heart. Literally any other title. So why that of a children’s film released in 1942? Bambi seemed way more appropriate for the story of a girl who found herself through someone else’s eyes. At least to me.

Our main character today lived in a not so remote town in a not so remote country. She came from a humble background and never lacked anything needed in the development of any human being. Food, education, simple luxuries and had an army of friends. She seemed like she had it all. Like there was nothing she’d ever want and not get. She’d walk down the street ,say hello and flash a smile that could blow your worries away. She had big doe eyes that seemed to sparkle more than the stars in the velvety night sky. Though round and of average height, like every other person in her generation, she stood out in a crowd. She could win hearts over in an instant and spark interest just by speaking up.

To everyone else she was just perfect. Nothing could ever faze her. Not even the devil himself. Yet deep down, in the darkest corners of her young heart, lived a monster she could never shake off. It attacked at random times. It would wound her and render her helpless. She fought most times. Most times she lost to it. She is only human after all. We break just like glass does. For those nights she slept on a tear stained pillow no one would ever know; for she woke up every day and did her best to be happy and content.

She just didn’t know who she was. With all the pretending, she’d lost track of herself. She was lost in a sea. A sea that had no name. It was getting hard. Day by day. Being the warrior she was raised to be, she held her head up high and faced each day with a brave face.

It’s all good. After a couple of fights, your body gets used to it. Just like immunity against some diseases. Even if your body gets used to the pain, the inside will or may be affected by it all. Every time the monster attacked, it took away just a little bit more of her. Her sanity, her joy, her will to keep going on. Don’t worry this isn’t a “13 reasons why” story.

She’s older now. She could do whatever she wants. She could do as her heart desired. However, no matter how hard she partied or how many fairy tales she watched and listened to, there was always going to be something missing in her. This was the case until the day she met him. He was an ordinary looking man. Nothing quite unique. He looked just like any other John, Jim and José. Their friendship grew dangerously fast, as though someone had given it a whole lot of steroids. Her world doesn’t seem so incomplete anymore. There’s someone to listen. To tell all the things that excite and scare her. The things that haunt her dreams and those that give her beautiful nights. There’s someone to laugh with and someone to cry with.

H

He fought the monster with her. Held her close when she couldn’t sleep after a nightmare. Dried her tears and runny nose each time someone hit too close to home with her feelings. Told her the oddest tales as her eyes grew wide with excitement. Staring at the sky was their favorite thing to do after a fight. To them it seemed like the night sky was just as eager to be looked at like a precious gem in the King’s vault.

She could feel it. In her bones. In her heart. Even in her words. That he filled and added to parts of her that she thought were never going to come back. She could feel the wind on her face. She could feel the laughter deep in her heart. She could feel the electricity shoot through her brain cells every time he said the right things to her.

I need you.

I want you.

I miss you.

I love you.

You are perfect.

At least for the moments they were by each others side, everything didn’t just look perfect, everything was perfect. No more pain. No more tears. No more self doubt. For the first time in a long time, she knew who she was and that wasn’t going to change anytime soon. She found herself in someone else’s eyes and heart. She was his Bambi and probably the luckiest person in the world. Even if its just to her, its all that mattered. It was all that would matter for a long long time.

Phobias and Fears.

Wednesday, April 4th 2018.

0157hrs.

An odd hour of the night for the elderly and a fun filled one for the young at heart.

It was at this hour our lost sheep made its way back to the pen. 
So my title today is ‘Phobias and Fears.’ I fell like it’s one and the same thing though. Just fancier words you know. Let me Google that real quick. 

*One minute later in spongebob narrator voice*

So phobia is like the general term according to my understanding…..fear comes in as you explain the phobia. Don’t take my word for it,check it up. So as part of our human flaws, we have fears. Things or situations that would literally knock the life out of us. This reminds me of a page on Harry Potter where a couple was scared to death. Good read but today…..in this early morning I experienced my own little meltdown that stopped my heart. Dont worry it was at  intervals so that I get my sh*t together.

So about an hour back the “trickster” paid me a visit in the form of a black slug right. I was cuddling with  my hell cat Melody on the couch, watching a good classic movie that has generated a couple of memes for us when I decided to turn in for the night. If I thought I was weak for crying my eyes out when a chicken dies, you should have seen me when I saw that slimy beast on the wall next to me. First reaction was to curse. From then on I deteriorated slowly into madness by waking up my psych squad.
PS: Psych squad are the people I talk to to hype me to do something. Like go back to blogging, beating someone with a pan and until recently, facing this tiny critters I hate so much.

No offence but why did there have to be slugs and spiders and millipedes and snakes and horror movies. I could be way better if it all just stopped existing or looked more….appealing. Since I can’t change it, I do what any sane human would do. I call my psych squad and slip into delirium and panic slowly despite their efforts to cheer me. I love you guys.

So first few texts were met with silence, this is not good with phobias as I’ve learnt because your dumb self panics. Then when they do text or call back, you feel so relieved your eyes start leaking. I hope its not just my eyes that do  that; I’d have to go see the maintenance crew about it.

Funny thing is I know how to handle slugs in the house. However, the moment I saw it, I lost it. I Googled and even checked YouTube for advice on what to do. Meanwhile, the slug is getting a nice tour of our wall. Dammit. Next course of action, grab a stick, a cupful of salt ( enough is never enough) and the courage of a millipede so none. No courage at all.

For the better part of that hour, I stared at it, talked about it, cried or wept about it and finally Le Bae called me out on my shit and called. Next thing I know I’m playing Dua Lipa on my phone and staring at this tiny thing like it was Isis. 

I realized, however, that despite not doing what I’m being told to do, my phobia kicked on to high gear when I had to face it. Guys never tell a woman to calm down in any situation because all you’ll get is a mouthful of “I AM CALM!!” After making a positive decision to kill this enemy, I kept dancing like a fairy on my toes each time I put my poking stick next to its slimy body. Almost hurled too but I control my body when it comes to that.

Puking is weakness.

~ Trevor Noah.

Personally I think the worst thing about facing your fear, is the moment after. After you’ve doused that thing in enough salt to make a statue and sprinkled salt around the house in the dead of the night like some crazy woman, when you’re back in your safe zone. When you’re feeling triumphant for doing that yourself, and the little its pop up. 

What if it comes back?

What if there was another one?

What if this is like their Ritz hotel and I just commited homicide?

What if I dream of one or an army of them?

The experience is over but deep down you never want it to happen again. Especially not when you’re alone because its an encounter I’d rather get over with once and I’m done. You know, like being popular. It happens once, fizzles out badly and way too fast then you just wish you’d forget.

Its now 0238hrs. I’m out of words, thoughts and the strength to go on.  I can’t wait to see the sunrise, the darkness hides way too much mystery. 
~A•P

Exploras!

Hey guys! Happy new year. Hope it started great. I woke up feeling adventurous so I’m over here planning to see the world before I lose all this crazy energy. One problem though. Most of the world’s hottest travel destinations: Ibiza, Bermuda, Paris, Switzerland. They are not for students…at least not the ones I know.

So I made a list of places you can go on a student budget and still have the time of your life.  So grab your backpacks, your documents and let’s go.

Thailand.

This place has idyllic islands and a rich culture to learn from.

 I’m more excited about the beach huts and the cuisine there. I mean the closest I’ve been to sleeping by the beach is once when I was sixteen. Disclaimer, it was not a beach hut. This will be a perfect place to go to with Kabi. Get our swimsuits ready, cameras on and fill in our country people on what they are missing out on.So apparently the hotspot for all things food is Nakhon Si Thammarat. Grab your cash and hype your tastebuds.

Best thing is…its all cheap. No.No. its pocket friendly. Adventures galore are waiting for us in Thailand.

South Africa.

Ah. The country down south that’s made this motherland and myself so proud. Nelson Mandela, Trevor Noah ( beloved husband even if he doesn’t know yet) and my honeybooboo Madiba Elvis ( no relation to Nelson Mandela that we know of). 

Just reading on the safari experience with the big five. Its terrain is just amazing with all the mountains like Drakensberg for superlative hiking. Hluhluwe and Imfolozi to see the white rhino while avoiding the crowds of Kruger.

Madiba pack your bags and get your passport, Cape Town, Pretoria and Jo’burg here we come.
Vietnam.

 Wasn’t this place in some war a while back? Maybe a decade? I failed history wouldn’t know really. 

So here’s yet another lowkey tourist on a budget destination. With its sublime countryside, limestone karsts of the north,water ways and paddy fields of Mekong Delta I’d have a blast with my baby Amanda there.

The blissful beaches and frenetic cities crammed in between will steal your breath but not before we grab a stool at a pho stall for a taste of the best local food.

Uruguay.

Where my ladies at?

All we need is shades, sun dresses and our swimwear. We’ll rub shoulders with locals  on their lovely beaches and kick back on Cabo Polonia for quieter sands and abundant wildlife. We could eat excellent steak as we tour the gorgeous old capital of Montevideo with our shades of melanin adding a pop of colour.

Sounds like a plan?

Cuba.

First of all, its a Caribbean island. Carribean island equals lots and I mean lots of eye candy with heart melting accents. A kind sir might be giving you  directions to the beach and your lost in his voice and green eyes. Anyway, back to reality. 

This is definitely the place for my favorite dancer Wambui. From the salsa clubs of Havana to the July carnival of Santiago. We’ll have to sleep all day just to keep up with the place’s energy at night.

Dip our toes in the warm Caribbean at Varadero beach and sip cocktails as we plan how we’re never going back home.

 Prague, Czech Republic.

Now if I had a brother, this is where he’s going before he gets hitched. Since I dont, it can be a squad thing or trip with le bae.

From their rage bachelor parties and their hearty meals downed with decent local beer. The old city buildings are perfect for an evening stroll in the historical time capsule.

All you need is a few Czech crowns and you’re good to go.

 Guatemala.

With it’s compelling mix of natural beauty, Maya tradition and colonial legacies. I think this is the best place to go for a family vacation. Hint. Hint. Mr and Mrs K. 

Its rock bottom prices are great too so that you dont hit us with that “its too costly” line. 

I would gladly study and practice my Spanish skills. Yet to be developed though.

We could board a ‘camionetas’ or chicken buses to explore and soak up the sights like Antigua or be wowed by the monumental Maya temples of Tikal.

Family vacations dont just have to be at our grandparents guys.

 Mexico.

From tacos to tequila. I know so so many people who’d love to be here. A sassy jaw dropping girl behind the bar and a cold looking fine man alone with his drink at the end of the bar. Oh. My imagination is already there. 

String hammocks up along the dazzling white sands and take a nap after a swim in the blue-green waters. Oaxaca has amazing street food tourist love and who fancies a dip in a crystal clear cenote?

 New Orleans, USA.

Music, music, music. In every courtyard and every bar. Most street corners are full of trumpet blowing, tap dancing people with big smiles plastered on their faces. Their musical heritage is big among tourists. 

If The princess and the frog taught me anything its that coffee and a plate of sugar dusted beignets at  café Du Monde are the bees knees. I’m sorry I had to.

 Shanghai, China. 

So Shanghai offers us street food like Xiao long bao soup dumplings, scallion pancakes and sticky rice parcels( zongzi).

I have a big feeling my foodies will be out here with me but we’ll annoy the locals when asking for directions. We’ll either be borderline offensive or Google translate will lie to us about some words.

The mix of old and new in that ever growing city will be a sight for sore eyes having come from Rongai, Kenya.

 L’Egypt.

Final destination is this land of kings and queens, pharaohs, gods and goddesses. The only country with a history of bloody rivers and child pharaohs like Tutankhamen.

Its mind blowing ancient sights like the pyramids, valley of kings and Abu Simbel will be spectacular.

The excellent food and decent accommodation will complete your vacation. Ride quad bikes in the desert and you can wear your arafats as long as you dont get lost in a desert storm.

So that’s all I had today. I currently just have the interest in going to all these places. I’m saving up for a few places and I can start off as soon as the cash picks up.

If you saw your name or thought I’m talking about you, I am slowly hinting at getting passports, a travel bag and finances.

Start off the year with achievable goals. Like Mexico. Pack your bags, here we go in 2018.

Missing Piece.

It’s one of those nights again. Staring at the city lights from my window. The memories I thought had faded come rushing back to me so clearly. The midnight drives. The food. The laughter. The atmosphere. The chemistry. Now all I have is the memories. Do you still have them? Or did they fade like Polaroids.

I remember the love. Love makes you warm,fuzzy and optimistic. You feel like you could conquer anything that comes your way. Love leaves you cold, broken and alone. You feel like nothing could ever hurt you that bad. Nothing ever should. Love creeps up on you,preys on your fantasies and leaves you high up in the clouds.

I have known nothing as beautiful as you and nothing as perfect as us.

Your love also built me. Made me better. Lets say an upgrade for lack of a better word. I said I could never love, seems like you were in cahoots with Love at the time. Touché!

He was a demon to test my honour. A fantasy too real to ignore. He had me spellbound; mesmerizing me with a look that stripped me bare and caressed my senses. He could make me lose control, forget the dreams that drove me and I knew I must resist this seducer. He ignited a fever in my blood, made me feel wildly alive and utterly at risk.

The sad thing about a love so strong is the aftermath. What to do without it. What to do after its all gone down the drain. Curl up on your bed, watch The Notebook again or cry your heart out? Get your hair done, fix your makeup or hit the clubs? Cut your hair short, buy a winery or move on to the next person?

Frankly, there wasn’t a moment I didn’t think about you. Every sky blue car I saw. Every party I went to. Even getting a new outfit. Reminded me of you. Sometimes it even felt like we hadn’t let us go, like we’d fought for it. Then I’d wake up alone,tangled up in my sheets,thinking I had someone to rock me back to sleep.

I was hurting when I walked away. I dont know if you were. Those nights under the stars, with your car parked outside are ones I’d never forget. I’d agree to relive it one last time in a heart beat. Just to feel alive.

He was the fly guy with the dark hair and smooth vibes. I was the curvy girl with a tongue that spit nothing but fire. Now that I think about it I was way too mean to you. At times.

Nothing lasts forever though. Not even Romeo and Juliet. We were The Titanic and we finally hit our iceberg. We were a perfect pair but not put in the perfect situation. We knew we were the perfect match that night out at the club maybe that’s why we burnt out. Too fast a little too soon.

So, I’m still at my window. It’s raining now. The city looks alive like it’s calling out. “Come feel alive.” I’m gonna finish this coffee and get back to Looking for Alaska. The city lights will always remember us. Young, kinda dumb and not totally broke.

 

 

Pretty Hurts.

We live in a generation where the prettier or more handsome you are, the better your chances of survival are. It’s not being shallow. No. No. It’s fitting into society as we know it; A jungle where people like E.M.O can’t wait to throw shade at you. Myself included but you’re all used to me.
So today is the day I will never forget. I wish I experienced this when I was still in primary school because my composition would have gotten a 40/40 score. No, I did not meet the love of my life. No, I did not win the lottery. No, I did not wake up in Beyonce’s body. Finally, no, I did not wake up to a car in my drive way and Kshs.5000 in my wallet.

Lundi, 21 Août 2017.

THE DAY I THOUGHT I COULD HACK THE SLAY QUEEN LIFE. 

Oh I learnt my lesson. I really did. I’m officially sticking to my boyish ways. The day started out alright. 6:30 AM: Slight clash with dear mother about how my room could be tidier. 6:40 AM: Rolled out of bed. Did my laundry. Found time to look at the clock till 7:30. Then I remembered I had places to be. Off to a cold shower.

Now the real problems began. “What will I wear? Do I really want to wear that? What to do with my hair? These brows tho, gotta fix them up. Lipstick or lipbalm?” Come to think of it guys are really lucky they can throw just about anything on. Absolutely anything and not get judged. Except for the guy I saw in a dress on Sunday that was just wrong. Pray for him people.

I settled for a black top, a yellow Ankara skirt and black boot-block heels. C’est stupide. Mistake 1: Choice of foot wear. I can’t even walk in sneakers right and here I am wearing these shoes. Mistake 2 happened sometime back but I accept the repercussions more each day. I couldn’t draw a decent eyebrow even if my life depended on it. Yet here I was with my mother’s makeup kit doing only God knows what. Didn’t turn out too bad though. Mistake 3: Leaving the house like that. Why don’t people stop me? Why don’t I stop me?

Sure I felt nice. Really nice actually. I got a few smiles. More cat calls than I’d expected. Half off the fare price and some pretty good pictures. In short, I was killing it. I was on fire figuratively but my feet were brewing something serious. Short walk from my house to the bus stop? Oh easy peasy. When I got to town! Words could not describe what my feet felt. Hell, excruciating pain and torture could not cover what it felt like. 
First, you need to walk nice and slow. Too fast and you’ll hit the floor in the most embarrassing way. Walk too fast and all your make up starts running down your face. Especially the mascara and eyeliner, raccoon eyes is unsightly really.

By the time I got to class, I’m tired, angry, confused but since I’m stunting today I’ll smile and walk in like the princess I am. I doubt I learnt any French today. I was distracted thanking God for so much. My boyish ways, the invention of Ubers, sneakers for ladies and team natural. I will never again undermine ladies who put on a full face of makeup, wear heels and walk around looking happy. That needs the grace of God. Its work! Its a hustle! If I ever dress up this much again, there’s some guy I’m trying to impress and he’s got some strong voodoo charms on me. Boyish and comfortable will work for me! 

Thoughts Of A Lost Girl.

So it’s an especially slow Sunday for me. I woke up at 7:40 A.M ,late for church *again* on the couch where I dozed off early that morning. Its been a while too. I always have something to say,just can’t figure out why I haven’t been writing much. Believe you me,I have been trying to. Every time I open my app though, I get trapped in all these thoughts in my head. If I’ve interacted with you, I either come off as a really cultured person or a nutjob. If you stuck by me, you might be crazier than I am. Lord save us all.😊

These thoughts. Hmmm. They don’t really have  much of a direction or a goal. Just like my life so far. Funny thing is my Art teacher had such high hopes in me. Oh well life is constant disappointments. At times.

At one point I thought about getting everything I ever wanted. No. No. It’s not yet a corner office, a sleek car and an amazing kid. The car I don’t mind my feet are killing me with all this walking. The kid? Let’s put a pin in that. I wanted to start my own thing, make a name of myself when I’m still young and my laziness is not as bad as it is now. Ha! Ha! I’m pretty sure there was a god in the sky that was looking at me and just waiting for the show to start.Popcorn,check!Soda,check! Then he hit play.

Life happened. Life happened in such a major way I derailed myself from everything I’d been dreaming of since….well since the moment I thought of it. I was going to amount to so much. I still will. Someday. Just not today.

Bottom line is, I didn’t do much of that. Or anything at all. Just screw up after screw up. How was I not disowned by my family?! The Lord works in mysterious ways.

What if I did do it? At the right time. When I was still so excited about it. Right now only fried chicken excites me as much. See my life.

Then because my brain doesn’t handle failure well it pushes that thought out for a while and starts up a new storm. “Do I really deserve this?” I’m a really confusing human being. I’ll take this trait proudly cause at least I’m finally accepting it. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a great guy but sometimes he either ticks me off or makes me wonder if I made him up. Then that devil on my shoulder pops up and says,”Start some drama. He’s too relaxed.” I’m terrible at making choices cause believe it or not I’ll listen to that devil. By midnight though, we’ll be apologizing about the fuss and saying goodnight while I’m looking at my phone all dreamily and shit. Dunno about his end.

Totally off topic though. Why is it when you set your mind to not doing something, like eating six pieces of chicken or texting someone back, you get hit with it immediately you make up your mind? The chicken I’ll accept. It was put on earth for a reason. Me! Text backs though, depends with my mood. So offer sacrifices before sending that text.

The one thought I’ll never forget though is this bad habit of throwing shade at people. What psychological disorder is this? Why am I like this? I’d throw shade at myself at times but my friends are on the receiving end more often. In my defense, I’m adding joy to your days by being a sarcastic ray of sunshine. You are welcome. I’ll do it again and again cause I love y’all.

Every time I try to get to the end of anything ,my brain just jumpstarts something new. Perfect example is when I tried to learn to play poker. Long and embarrassing story short; The only game I can play with cards is flowers and AK-47. Somebody save me from myself. The end is near 😂😂. One question though, why are some people so damn annoying yet addictive? I try to change myself so many times but its like my body and my brain likes being inconsistent. I successfully pissed myself off, argued with almost my entire contact list and still had friends in the morning.

Ms.Kassaman, you need help. You even strayed from the main topic you were writing about!

Dancing With The Devil.

Soooooo. It’s been a minute or two or an entire month but guess whose back?!!! Your ray of sarcastic sunshine! I have been away not because I’m sick or depressed or working (Lord I wish I was working. Being broke is so bad it should be a sin.) or gyming to get to some body goals. No. I was doing what everyone does best;being lazy and giving up on things.

For a while, it seemed like nothing was working out in my favour. Not my school life, not my social life ,not my spiritual life and clearly someone is performing strong voodoo on my love life. Have you ever found yourself in such a pitiful situation you look at your reflection in the mirror and feel sorry for it? Well not me. My reflection is so intriguing it distracts me every day for ten minutes and that’s why I’m always late.

The second sin after being broke is living in this generation. The curse of our generation is conforming too easily. Our favorite rappers go on and on about partying and drugs then I’m definitely gonna light up and get fucked up with a bottle of Jack (Can I REALLY afford the Henny they all sing about?). My favorite artist says he has different girls for every day of the week then I’m gonna have a fistful of girls even though I can’t afford to maintain them. My favorite celebrity is popping pills,drinking flat tummy tea and going under the knife every few months and she looks good then hell I want to be booty popping too. Sign me up for whatever she’s doing. Before I get called out on being judgemental, I’ve done most if not all of these things so,calm down, I’m judging me more than you are.

There’s always that moment in your life, be it a second , a day or an entire month when you hated who you were becoming. The raging alcoholic, the human chimney, the biggest trap king or the baddest bitch.( I don’t understand how anything with bitch is a compliment but oh well what do I know.) I had my moment and I’m honestly ready to let it go and be lame again.

Maybe its just me but I’ve got a feeling there’s a lot more of us out here. I don’t like whiskey. Actually, I detest it to some extent. The smell,the taste, the different shades of the amber liquid just don’t appeal to me. However, for almost two whole months, I found myself laughing the night away and forcing it down my throat many a times. Sureeee, I’ll start it off with wine and/ vodka cause who ever embarks on something they don’t like sober ey? It warms you up inside and unleashes the dance freak in you. It can also shut you down fast but oh well,different strokes for different folks. Where was I? Oh yes! My whiskey problem. My whiskey problem has a name, an address and some friends I’d really never want to see again. It all begins and ends with that look in his eyes. That dangerously attractive gleam in his dark emotionless eyes.

It was fun. It was exciting. It was a blood pumping through my veins at 100m/s kinda feeling. The reckless speeds, the endless partying, the fun filled memories, the neon lights, the dinner bills ,the midnight tales we spun. Oh those beautiful midnight tales. All these memories I wish I never made. In the spirit of positivity though, I learnt quite a lot. (1.) I am really good at pretending. (2.) I am a terrible liar. (3.) I prefer vodka over whisky but would choose wine over water. Number one and two kinda contradict each other, so choose one.Number three is on drugs too huh?
I don’t know how far along this road I’d gone when I realised its not what I want. Maybe it was all the late nights. Or the nasty feeling in the morning. Maybe it was the look everyone gave me as I got back home. Or all the nice outfits I had to buy to look nice in. Maybe it finally hit me that I’m not about this type of life.Don’t get me wrong. I’m not against partying. I’m not. I’m against me doing things I don’t want to. 

It took me two months of pretence and killing my liver for me to see that I love being a boring girl. I want to read poems, watch movies, eat popcorn, fantasize to Ed Sheeran’s music and read a book with a glass of Sangria in one hand. I want to have long exciting conversations about fictional worlds and characters. I need to have the occasional update on drama in people’s lives.

First of all though, I need a hitman to take out my Whiskey Problem. This is one persistent person. Maybe he’s half human half donkey cause he can be an ass. We might never know if I keep dancing with this devil.

Girl Meets Boy.

Time flies by.Days,weeks,months even. The empty feeling still eating me up. It’s like I’m stuck in limbo and the only one to save me, is me.

When he cares it’s amazing, it’s like there’s no one in the world but me to him. “I am all he can think about.” 

Then he gets distant. I become another one of the boys with additional features like a great bust, an amazing arse and a beating heart. I fade into the environment around him.

When a few days go by without word from me, he’ll call or text. When I fuss about closure, I’m apparently PMSing. It’s okay honey booboo. You’re right as always. I’ll play the good wife in this black and white movie of yours. I’ll fade into the gray again. Not for long.

If you don’t want to text me, baby don’t. If you don’t want to call me, don’t waste yourself. I don’t like pretending either. Don’t feed me your I was busy, I was distracted BS. If you thought I’m Rihanna, I’m not, because I don’t love the way you lie.

Remember that first time we met? When I saw danger in your eyes but still followed you along because of a silly attraction I thought would fade away. Well that’s a lesson right there. Even when I’m right I’m wrong. Get it? Yeah me neither.

You were my lifeline. Corny right? But slowly….. Steadily…. Your poison’s getting to me. I’m flat lining. I’ve gotta fight you. Your love, your charm and your demons. I’m breaking free. 

You loved me at my darkest, I loved me at my strongest point. When I decided that I dont need you to break me down, I can do that better than you ever will on my own honey. What I’m trying to say makes no sense but….please remember my birthday this year and you won’t have to find out where I’ll bury your sorry self this year.

“Tushy you are absolutely terrible at emotional things you know that?”

“Mandy, I’m terrible at a lot of things. What I’m good at though? No one beats me at it.”

“Yeah I get it but still. Where was that whole story headed? I need to know.”

“It’s how girl meets boy. Its also how boy will meet his maker if he doesn’t give me my attention now.”

“Alryteee Queen Crazy. It’s late. Catch you tomorrow babes.”

(Door opens.)

“Mandy, I’m afraid that the one person that makes me happy is meant to be in witness protection, with bulletproof everything. I’m gonna rain ammunition on him. He hasn’t texted me since you got here! These men are all…”

(Phone rings.)

“Never mind. False alarm. He was seating an exam.”