Dancing With The Devil.

Soooooo. It’s been a minute or two or an entire month but guess whose back?!!! Your ray of sarcastic sunshine! I have been away not because I’m sick or depressed or working (Lord I wish I was working. Being broke is so bad it should be a sin.) or gyming to get to some body goals. No. I was doing what everyone does best;being lazy and giving up on things.

For a while, it seemed like nothing was working out in my favour. Not my school life, not my social life ,not my spiritual life and clearly someone is performing strong voodoo on my love life. Have you ever found yourself in such a pitiful situation you look at your reflection in the mirror and feel sorry for it? Well not me. My reflection is so intriguing it distracts me every day for ten minutes and that’s why I’m always late.

The second sin after being broke is living in this generation. The curse of our generation is conforming too easily. Our favorite rappers go on and on about partying and drugs then I’m definitely gonna light up and get fucked up with a bottle of Jack (Can I REALLY afford the Henny they all sing about?). My favorite artist says he has different girls for every day of the week then I’m gonna have a fistful of girls even though I can’t afford to maintain them. My favorite celebrity is popping pills,drinking flat tummy tea and going under the knife every few months and she looks good then hell I want to be booty popping too. Sign me up for whatever she’s doing. Before I get called out on being judgemental, I’ve done most if not all of these things so,calm down, I’m judging me more than you are.

There’s always that moment in your life, be it a second , a day or an entire month when you hated who you were becoming. The raging alcoholic, the human chimney, the biggest trap king or the baddest bitch.( I don’t understand how anything with bitch is a compliment but oh well what do I know.) I had my moment and I’m honestly ready to let it go and be lame again.

Maybe its just me but I’ve got a feeling there’s a lot more of us out here. I don’t like whiskey. Actually, I detest it to some extent. The smell,the taste, the different shades of the amber liquid just don’t appeal to me. However, for almost two whole months, I found myself laughing the night away and forcing it down my throat many a times. Sureeee, I’ll start it off with wine and/ vodka cause who ever embarks on something they don’t like sober ey? It warms you up inside and unleashes the dance freak in you. It can also shut you down fast but oh well,different strokes for different folks. Where was I? Oh yes! My whiskey problem. My whiskey problem has a name, an address and some friends I’d really never want to see again. It all begins and ends with that look in his eyes. That dangerously attractive gleam in his dark emotionless eyes.

It was fun. It was exciting. It was a blood pumping through my veins at 100m/s kinda feeling. The reckless speeds, the endless partying, the fun filled memories, the neon lights, the dinner bills ,the midnight tales we spun. Oh those beautiful midnight tales. All these memories I wish I never made. In the spirit of positivity though, I learnt quite a lot. (1.) I am really good at pretending. (2.) I am a terrible liar. (3.) I prefer vodka over whisky but would choose wine over water. Number one and two kinda contradict each other, so choose one.Number three is on drugs too huh?
I don’t know how far along this road I’d gone when I realised its not what I want. Maybe it was all the late nights. Or the nasty feeling in the morning. Maybe it was the look everyone gave me as I got back home. Or all the nice outfits I had to buy to look nice in. Maybe it finally hit me that I’m not about this type of life.Don’t get me wrong. I’m not against partying. I’m not. I’m against me doing things I don’t want to. 

It took me two months of pretence and killing my liver for me to see that I love being a boring girl. I want to read poems, watch movies, eat popcorn, fantasize to Ed Sheeran’s music and read a book with a glass of Sangria in one hand. I want to have long exciting conversations about fictional worlds and characters. I need to have the occasional update on drama in people’s lives.

First of all though, I need a hitman to take out my Whiskey Problem. This is one persistent person. Maybe he’s half human half donkey cause he can be an ass. We might never know if I keep dancing with this devil.

Girl Meets Boy.

Time flies by.Days,weeks,months even. The empty feeling still eating me up. It’s like I’m stuck in limbo and the only one to save me, is me.

When he cares it’s amazing, it’s like there’s no one in the world but me to him. “I am all he can think about.” 

Then he gets distant. I become another one of the boys with additional features like a great bust, an amazing arse and a beating heart. I fade into the environment around him.

When a few days go by without word from me, he’ll call or text. When I fuss about closure, I’m apparently PMSing. It’s okay honey booboo. You’re right as always. I’ll play the good wife in this black and white movie of yours. I’ll fade into the gray again. Not for long.

If you don’t want to text me, baby don’t. If you don’t want to call me, don’t waste yourself. I don’t like pretending either. Don’t feed me your I was busy, I was distracted BS. If you thought I’m Rihanna, I’m not, because I don’t love the way you lie.

Remember that first time we met? When I saw danger in your eyes but still followed you along because of a silly attraction I thought would fade away. Well that’s a lesson right there. Even when I’m right I’m wrong. Get it? Yeah me neither.

You were my lifeline. Corny right? But slowly….. Steadily…. Your poison’s getting to me. I’m flat lining. I’ve gotta fight you. Your love, your charm and your demons. I’m breaking free. 

You loved me at my darkest, I loved me at my strongest point. When I decided that I dont need you to break me down, I can do that better than you ever will on my own honey. What I’m trying to say makes no sense but….please remember my birthday this year and you won’t have to find out where I’ll bury your sorry self this year.

“Tushy you are absolutely terrible at emotional things you know that?”

“Mandy, I’m terrible at a lot of things. What I’m good at though? No one beats me at it.”

“Yeah I get it but still. Where was that whole story headed? I need to know.”

“It’s how girl meets boy. Its also how boy will meet his maker if he doesn’t give me my attention now.”

“Alryteee Queen Crazy. It’s late. Catch you tomorrow babes.”

(Door opens.)

“Mandy, I’m afraid that the one person that makes me happy is meant to be in witness protection, with bulletproof everything. I’m gonna rain ammunition on him. He hasn’t texted me since you got here! These men are all…”

(Phone rings.)

“Never mind. False alarm. He was seating an exam.”

I Need You.

Hey Kiss Bandit,

Please dont tear this in two. I know you’re thinking it so stop. Just hear me out. Even for a few minutes. If you get halfway through this and think its crap, just burn it. If you get through it all, well and good.

So how have you been? It’s been months and I thought you’d be back by now. Guess I was wrong. 

You look great by the way. I see your  pictures everyday and can’t believe how much you’ve grown. Can beauty increase? Maybe I just never saw it all at the time. 

Remember the time we went for lunch and you got into so much trouble because you got home the next day? What about the time we went dancing? The time you met my friends? I remember the day you met up with me dressed in that red number. I can still see it in my mind. If looks could kill…

I remember how pissed off you got when I ogled at  people on the street or in restaurants. Your eyes sold you out every time. They’d get cold and emotionless. I also remember how happy you were when I held you close. I felt so happy I could die.

Then you left. Disappeared. Without a trace. Almost as if I’d imagined you. Did  it break you how it broke me? Did your days look bleak? Did the wind stop whistling those silly tunes? Or did life go on as usual? 

I need you now. I needed you then and I’ll always need you. We  talked things through but I dont know if we’ll be back to where we were. I hurt you. You hurt me. Let’s consider it a draw. I’ll be better. Trust me. For you, I’ll be better. I’m back now and I want to fix us.

Just cause the joy is all gone, just cause our times already up and just cause I think of you late at night, I’m begging you, dont let it go now. One last chance . I need you most.

XoXo,

Bae.

**Major eyeroll**
I finish up my coffee, wrap my afro up in a scarf and put the letter back in its envelope. I jot down something on a sticky note and slip  it in the envelope too. I reseal the letter and neatly write on it. Return to sender. 

I walk into my room and mutter under my breath, “Bae really does mean poop.” I’ll post it in the morning.

I smiled.

I don’t know if this title works with what I’m gonna write but whatever. He was the one I had been waiting for. The one who’d take my thoughts and my emotions on a drug high. It was crazy! Here I am, trying to act normal and cute but nooooooo, I end up choking on my chicken wing and my laughter turning into a snort when he told a joke. When we parted ways afterwards, it felt like I’d tried and failed an audition. In my head I’m like “There goes his first impression of me and my shame.”

So after a sulky drive home and staring at my screen waiting for a text back forever, I decide to just go to bed. ( PS:I don’t own a car but public transport will never let me down.) One last look at my phone before I lose all hope. Nothing. So I put my head down,pulled my blankets closer and tried to shut out the many excuses my brain made up for the guy. I’m getting really drowsy now, almost shutting my eyes then my screen lights up. Pssht! It’s spam. There’s a second message. It’s from him! Moral of the story: Never lose hope in your looks.
I think I thanked God for the text before opening it. Here’s what he said: 

Hey! I had a lot of fun with you today. You genuinely made me laugh and I’d like to do this again. Text me when you get this. 

Hearts can’t do somersaults but mine did. My lungs are in perfect condition but for a minute there I couldn’t breath right. ” Calm down girl. Be chilled about it.” I typed out a reply fast and couldn’t stop smiling at the screen. We talked all night long.

It’s been a couple of weeks and it’s going on great. Yesterday was movie day and he picked it out. Mad Max. Here’s some advice ladies, never tell a guy you’ve not watched the movie of the year. They make it their priority to put you in the loop.In my defense, I tried to watch it, I just couldn’t pay attention. However, today I’ll stare at that screen and just be happy at how softly he strokes my hair. I’ll be happy leaning on his shoulder. I’ll be happy feeling him around me. 

He said he’ll bring the popcorn this time around. I won’t blame him though. The last time I made popcorn, they got so burnt you’d think they were tiny rocks put in a bowl. I couldn’t even crush them. He’s still to blame though. He distracted me with his superhero powers. He’s probably made of sugar too because he tastes like it.

In the evening,  I was to meet his friends. We met up at our favorite food joint. Remember the one I was choking at? Yeah. He was at the door looking charming as always and smiled when he saw me. This is kind of a big deal, meeting the guys is like putting yourself up for judgement. Harsh, uncensored and cold judgement.

They were seated around a table in the middle of the room looking like the Knights on the Round Table. The moment we sat down, he held my hand and said “She’s beautiful right?” I smiled. The rest is a blur.

Being A Mother.

Hello. It has been a while but here I am. Being a mother may just as well be the best gift humanity ever got. Whether you get your baby via surrogacy, adoption or whatever new methods scientists have now. 

This week I dropped by my sister’s house to raid her kitchen.God bless elder siblings and their fully stocked kitchen cabinets. So there she was, in her room, playing with her bundle of joy. Baby E was running in circles on the  bed and kept falling on her mother’s face. The entire time I’m watching this game, I’m just thinking of how much pain that might be,yet my sister was smiling like nothing was happening. 

As some of you may have noticed, flashbacks and over thinking is kinda my thing. I remember when my sister told me I’d be an aunt, I didn’t believe it until I saw her angelic baby’s face. That my friends, is when I knew what love is. It was also the first time I changed a diaper. Take my word for it, its not as easy as it looks like in the movies. There’s a lot more odour and stuff you wish you’d never seen before. It was also at that point, that I made the executive decision to only become a mother when my sister is there to help me work out the kinks.

My experience with Baby E has made me see mothers in a whole different light. They deal with all the midnight wake up calls, the tantrums, the stains on new clothes, the lost appetites not to mention all the parenting advice you didn’t ask for from “experienced” mothers.

Yet they seem to do it so well. Especially my mother. Whooooo! She had her job cut out for her. I’ve been a handful from the day I was conceived. Hear me right. Not the day I was born. The day I was conceived. From the time I was born extremely chubby till now she managed to raise me to be the corky and slightly angelic girl you hear about.

Without my mother, I’d probably be some crackhead living with a high school dropout and planning on where to get our next high from.This amazing women in our lives have shaped us into the responsible and well mannered people we are today. I’ve been taken care of,educated and loved in a way no one else will ever love me. 

So today’s piece isn’t really all that sensible but hey! This was for my sister, my mother,my aunts and all those other beautiful ladies out there that gave the gift of life to some amazing person, who have never been appreciated for the roles they’ve played. Consider this a Mother’s Day piece. Thank that lovely lady for what she has made you.

Heavy.


So about today. Today has been the most emotional day of my life. I woke up early and lounged in my bed till about twenty minutes past seven when Bibo called and I rushed to the shower. For once, I was early for church. Achievement of the month made,now I can go back to my lazy self.
So anyway, church was amazing. Full of life, singing, dancing, laughing at our friends and just thanking God that He let me pick yet another outift to stun people with. That’s right! I always slay. Unless I’m dating you, then you know I put in minimal effort.

Afterwards, we congregate outside and say hello, hug a lot of people and give each other compliments ( the unwritten rule.) About noon, I rush out of the bible study group and rush off to town. I’ve got butterflies in my tummy,cobwebs in my head and nothing in my heart. Today I qualified to do what I love the most. I have a screenshot to prove it too. I also auditioned for choir. Guess what? I got in! You are looking at the newest soprano one member of the best girl group in Kenya. (Look at me figuratively.)

So immediately after practice, I rush to the bus station and board the best bus in sight “Scarface“. I’m home in no time and I wanna share my awesome feeling with my most cherished people. I won’t go into details but my pillow can tell it all. There’s a dark pink patch stained with tears and my head is throbbing so hard I think it will explode. Short breaths. Red swollen eyes. A lump or two in my throat. Then it hits me. I’m a pessimist.

Every time something good happens, the world around me reminds me just who’s the boss of who. People carry around so much more than they can carry. I keep dragging around what’s bringing me down and if I just let go I’d be set free. So I don’t talk about my feelings, I share them with my pillow Mr.Soak-It-Up. 

Which brings me to my point, I think. Getting the full story to a person is really important. Don’t just start yelling at me thinking I’m all good and I need a little negative criticism to spice up my life. You’re little spice may push me over the edge. Well not really, I don’t even trust the mirror’s opinion of me. So my day, 100-0 real quick. Thanks universe, for reminding me who I am, a pessimist.

The One.

You’ll hear this words tossed around in every movie,book or conversation that’s romantic in some way. Before someone gets married, ” She’s the one.” When narrating how they met to the girls,”He’s the one.” It’s everywhere and they all have a basic concept, the person who makes your heart beat  faster and your breath shorter.
I’ll be honest, if I used this concepts as my guidelines, everyone would be the one to me. The next door neighbour, the shopkeeper when she gives me extra change, the bus driver as he speeds along the highway, the dogs in the estate that I run from every evening. At one point I thought the one would be the guy who brought meaning into my life. A few bad relationships here and there,I met the one who gave meaning to my life. Me. To be fair,I’m one hectic person to dedicate your love to. So if you have ever done so or still are doing this, bravo! God bless your brave soul.

I like talking, but not just pointless endless talking, no! I want a real conversation. Something I will enjoy and still learn a thing or two from.Constantly talking isn’t necessarily communication. If we can’t communicate there’s not much difference with whatever we talk about and the arguments I have with my reflection in the bathroom.

The one won’t overthink things simply because its already something I’m skilled at. Its no fun having two people who over think issues. One’s got to keep the other grounded and it certainly won’t be me. I’m a simple girl. You can make me a meal.Sure its undercooked and burnt at the same time. Maybe I’ll have to see a doctor after I eat it but an effort was made and an attempt on my life too but I appreciate it.

I dont like flowers but I love chocolates or wine. I wouldn’t mind getting any of these whenever, we ladies thrive on feeling loved and showered in lush gifts. If he makes an effort to keep me smiling, then I’m hooked.

Then again, when I find the one, I’ll drown him I’m complements if I have to. Mention his haircut,his jawline,his attire,his walk even his shoes. He’d be on cloud nine most of the time because I’d be the one person he chooses to be happy with. Besides, who else would I be nice to with no strings attached?

I’d have fun. The one and I would watch Disney animations and sing along to them,we’d play video games and I’d win by a long shot, we’d talk about how shitty life can be and just enjoy the moment. I’d enjoy the silent moments when only our eyes talk, wondering if the things that remind me of you also remind you of me.


In that moment, when I feel a ray of sunshine burning a memory  into my heart, I’d be so happy I could die. When I find the one, I won’t see anything I don’t like about him but I will soon. Then the test of time and perseverance begins .