I smiled.

I don’t know if this title works with what I’m gonna write but whatever. He was the one I had been waiting for. The one who’d take my thoughts and my emotions on a drug high. It was crazy! Here I am, trying to act normal and cute but nooooooo, I end up choking on my chicken wing and my laughter turning into a snort when he told a joke. When we parted ways afterwards, it felt like I’d tried and failed an audition. In my head I’m like “There goes his first impression of me and my shame.”

So after a sulky drive home and staring at my screen waiting for a text back forever, I decide to just go to bed. ( PS:I don’t own a car but public transport will never let me down.) One last look at my phone before I lose all hope. Nothing. So I put my head down,pulled my blankets closer and tried to shut out the many excuses my brain made up for the guy. I’m getting really drowsy now, almost shutting my eyes then my screen lights up. Pssht! It’s spam. There’s a second message. It’s from him! Moral of the story: Never lose hope in your looks.
I think I thanked God for the text before opening it. Here’s what he said: 

Hey! I had a lot of fun with you today. You genuinely made me laugh and I’d like to do this again. Text me when you get this. 

Hearts can’t do somersaults but mine did. My lungs are in perfect condition but for a minute there I couldn’t breath right. ” Calm down girl. Be chilled about it.” I typed out a reply fast and couldn’t stop smiling at the screen. We talked all night long.

It’s been a couple of weeks and it’s going on great. Yesterday was movie day and he picked it out. Mad Max. Here’s some advice ladies, never tell a guy you’ve not watched the movie of the year. They make it their priority to put you in the loop.In my defense, I tried to watch it, I just couldn’t pay attention. However, today I’ll stare at that screen and just be happy at how softly he strokes my hair. I’ll be happy leaning on his shoulder. I’ll be happy feeling him around me. 

He said he’ll bring the popcorn this time around. I won’t blame him though. The last time I made popcorn, they got so burnt you’d think they were tiny rocks put in a bowl. I couldn’t even crush them. He’s still to blame though. He distracted me with his superhero powers. He’s probably made of sugar too because he tastes like it.

In the evening,  I was to meet his friends. We met up at our favorite food joint. Remember the one I was choking at? Yeah. He was at the door looking charming as always and smiled when he saw me. This is kind of a big deal, meeting the guys is like putting yourself up for judgement. Harsh, uncensored and cold judgement.

They were seated around a table in the middle of the room looking like the Knights on the Round Table. The moment we sat down, he held my hand and said “She’s beautiful right?” I smiled. The rest is a blur.


Being A Mother.

Hello. It has been a while but here I am. Being a mother may just as well be the best gift humanity ever got. Whether you get your baby via surrogacy, adoption or whatever new methods scientists have now. 

This week I dropped by my sister’s house to raid her kitchen.God bless elder siblings and their fully stocked kitchen cabinets. So there she was, in her room, playing with her bundle of joy. Baby E was running in circles on the  bed and kept falling on her mother’s face. The entire time I’m watching this game, I’m just thinking of how much pain that might be,yet my sister was smiling like nothing was happening. 

As some of you may have noticed, flashbacks and over thinking is kinda my thing. I remember when my sister told me I’d be an aunt, I didn’t believe it until I saw her angelic baby’s face. That my friends, is when I knew what love is. It was also the first time I changed a diaper. Take my word for it, its not as easy as it looks like in the movies. There’s a lot more odour and stuff you wish you’d never seen before. It was also at that point, that I made the executive decision to only become a mother when my sister is there to help me work out the kinks.

My experience with Baby E has made me see mothers in a whole different light. They deal with all the midnight wake up calls, the tantrums, the stains on new clothes, the lost appetites not to mention all the parenting advice you didn’t ask for from “experienced” mothers.

Yet they seem to do it so well. Especially my mother. Whooooo! She had her job cut out for her. I’ve been a handful from the day I was conceived. Hear me right. Not the day I was born. The day I was conceived. From the time I was born extremely chubby till now she managed to raise me to be the corky and slightly angelic girl you hear about.

Without my mother, I’d probably be some crackhead living with a high school dropout and planning on where to get our next high from.This amazing women in our lives have shaped us into the responsible and well mannered people we are today. I’ve been taken care of,educated and loved in a way no one else will ever love me. 

So today’s piece isn’t really all that sensible but hey! This was for my sister, my mother,my aunts and all those other beautiful ladies out there that gave the gift of life to some amazing person, who have never been appreciated for the roles they’ve played. Consider this a Mother’s Day piece. Thank that lovely lady for what she has made you.


So about today. Today has been the most emotional day of my life. I woke up early and lounged in my bed till about twenty minutes past seven when Bibo called and I rushed to the shower. For once, I was early for church. Achievement of the month made,now I can go back to my lazy self.
So anyway, church was amazing. Full of life, singing, dancing, laughing at our friends and just thanking God that He let me pick yet another outift to stun people with. That’s right! I always slay. Unless I’m dating you, then you know I put in minimal effort.

Afterwards, we congregate outside and say hello, hug a lot of people and give each other compliments ( the unwritten rule.) About noon, I rush out of the bible study group and rush off to town. I’ve got butterflies in my tummy,cobwebs in my head and nothing in my heart. Today I qualified to do what I love the most. I have a screenshot to prove it too. I also auditioned for choir. Guess what? I got in! You are looking at the newest soprano one member of the best girl group in Kenya. (Look at me figuratively.)

So immediately after practice, I rush to the bus station and board the best bus in sight “Scarface“. I’m home in no time and I wanna share my awesome feeling with my most cherished people. I won’t go into details but my pillow can tell it all. There’s a dark pink patch stained with tears and my head is throbbing so hard I think it will explode. Short breaths. Red swollen eyes. A lump or two in my throat. Then it hits me. I’m a pessimist.

Every time something good happens, the world around me reminds me just who’s the boss of who. People carry around so much more than they can carry. I keep dragging around what’s bringing me down and if I just let go I’d be set free. So I don’t talk about my feelings, I share them with my pillow Mr.Soak-It-Up. 

Which brings me to my point, I think. Getting the full story to a person is really important. Don’t just start yelling at me thinking I’m all good and I need a little negative criticism to spice up my life. You’re little spice may push me over the edge. Well not really, I don’t even trust the mirror’s opinion of me. So my day, 100-0 real quick. Thanks universe, for reminding me who I am, a pessimist.

The One.

You’ll hear this words tossed around in every movie,book or conversation that’s romantic in some way. Before someone gets married, ” She’s the one.” When narrating how they met to the girls,”He’s the one.” It’s everywhere and they all have a basic concept, the person who makes your heart beat  faster and your breath shorter.
I’ll be honest, if I used this concepts as my guidelines, everyone would be the one to me. The next door neighbour, the shopkeeper when she gives me extra change, the bus driver as he speeds along the highway, the dogs in the estate that I run from every evening. At one point I thought the one would be the guy who brought meaning into my life. A few bad relationships here and there,I met the one who gave meaning to my life. Me. To be fair,I’m one hectic person to dedicate your love to. So if you have ever done so or still are doing this, bravo! God bless your brave soul.

I like talking, but not just pointless endless talking, no! I want a real conversation. Something I will enjoy and still learn a thing or two from.Constantly talking isn’t necessarily communication. If we can’t communicate there’s not much difference with whatever we talk about and the arguments I have with my reflection in the bathroom.

The one won’t overthink things simply because its already something I’m skilled at. Its no fun having two people who over think issues. One’s got to keep the other grounded and it certainly won’t be me. I’m a simple girl. You can make me a meal.Sure its undercooked and burnt at the same time. Maybe I’ll have to see a doctor after I eat it but an effort was made and an attempt on my life too but I appreciate it.

I dont like flowers but I love chocolates or wine. I wouldn’t mind getting any of these whenever, we ladies thrive on feeling loved and showered in lush gifts. If he makes an effort to keep me smiling, then I’m hooked.

Then again, when I find the one, I’ll drown him I’m complements if I have to. Mention his haircut,his jawline,his attire,his walk even his shoes. He’d be on cloud nine most of the time because I’d be the one person he chooses to be happy with. Besides, who else would I be nice to with no strings attached?

I’d have fun. The one and I would watch Disney animations and sing along to them,we’d play video games and I’d win by a long shot, we’d talk about how shitty life can be and just enjoy the moment. I’d enjoy the silent moments when only our eyes talk, wondering if the things that remind me of you also remind you of me.

In that moment, when I feel a ray of sunshine burning a memory  into my heart, I’d be so happy I could die. When I find the one, I won’t see anything I don’t like about him but I will soon. Then the test of time and perseverance begins .

Disney Magic.

This week has been hell for me. Can you believe I can’t find any of my Disney movies on DVD?! So yay,internet to the rescue! The sad thing is rewatching these films as a grown up is a real eye opener. Those princes were messed up! They had issues deeper than government scandals. Allow me to enlighten you.

Alladin. The street rat who managed to steal the princess’ and the viewers’ hearts. Sure, he was a thief, talked to Abu ( his monkey) about his problems and was a Robin hood figure to the poor community,we still love this diamond in the rough. Reality check: He’s a compulsive liar. Whether you are a hero or not, lying is a deal breaker now.

Prince Charming. This is the prince who had most girls wearing puffy dresses, their mothers’ heels and bumping into every piece of furniture in the name of waltzing. He even chased after her. Men, all a lady wants is to be followed out when she makes a dramatic exit. Cinderella had it good huh? From grass to grace ey. Reality check: He wants a trophy wife. I dont mind BTW, charming was amazing.

Snow White’s prince had no name. So sad. Sob sob. Anyway, this young man climbed over a wall to sing with her. Snow ran from him but at the end of the movie he saves her from death with true love’s kiss. Reality check: He likes somnophilia. I’m a hopeless romantic too but I’d never kiss someone whose dead. Not even if I got paid.Never ever!

Prince Eric. The dashing young man with dark hair and a smile that could melt the Antarctic. I don’t blame Ariel for falling in love with him at first sight. Truth be told, I’d never defend any man when my father says its stupidity. He’d scare the love right outta me. Reality check: He waits for perfection. In his defense though, Ariel was kinda dumb. Her fascination with the fork was beyond this world.Her dad carried a trident everywhere for Pete’s sake.

Beast. He has no name either. Come on Disney, he’s a main character. I dont know about you but the bad boy thing never works for me. The best part for me was the dance with Belle. It was so enchanting it made me pity myself and these two left feet. So we all knew this, he was verbally abusive and violent but I love him for that last fight up on the roof though. Gaston deserved it.

There’s several others. Simba;won’t get a job. Peter Pan; has a girl on the side. Li Shang; gets pissed if you are not a guy.( What’s the deal with him BTW?) John Smith; him and his buddies won’t leave your house. Hercules; loves his ride more than you.Poor Meg.

So I started a discussion on who the perfect Disney prince is. Some said Prince Phillip who fell in love with Aurora.I partially agree because stalking is the most honest form of flattery. How else would he have found where she was? We have got to applaud the man on waiting a hundred years for his true love though. 

Another said Flynn Rider. He saved Rapunzel from a tower ,from the evil witch, reunited her parents and made her dreams come true.Heres the thing though, I believe I’m supposed to be the only conceited person in my life. Not stealing from me is also a big plus. 

Our hopes were now on the eye candy from across the sea. Prince Naveen of Maldonia. He can sing, he can dance and can throw a line or two at the ladies. Even as a frog he’s a charmer. However, I dont enough money in my name to sustain his gold digging behavior. So boy bye.

After a weekend of searching for perfection, I settled for Quasimodo. He was kind,thoughtful and selfless. He saw nothing but love in a world full of darkness. So prince or not,that eye sore was a sweet soul. A bit naive at times though.

Time changes perspectives but the endings are still happy. I’m off again to sing to Lion King. Feed your inner child.

My Oh My.

It was another beautiful day. I threw my tantrums, cried my eyes out a bit, shouted, pardon me, I meant I raised my voice and wallowed in pity. It’s one of those days you wish you could switch bodies with the nearest person or just go on autopilot for a few.

I have the strangest feeling that this post will be brief or makes no sense. Rolling on the floor in pain isn’t as easy as most women make it seem. Moving on swiftly though.

Yesterday, to escape a lively discussion with the family, I went to bed early to catch up on chatting. When I heard them call my name,my eyes shut and my phone was thrown to the wall. My dearest mother came to the rescue and said I’d slept a long time ago (Thank you.) Unfortunately, I was so happy with my eyes closed that I drifted into a dreamless state till about seven this morning. It’s almost a routine now,so apologizing to the five people I was texting is normal now. ( Popularity has never been my thing. Must be a problem with my sarcasm or my face.) They say goodnight  when I’m quiet for more than five minutes.Good people.

Today started great. Biscuits in bed, parents leaving early for work, no one shouting my name and no one texting me back. Then,the moods kicked in. I ordered my cousin around, argued with my little sister and after a heated exchange of curse words, I felt something.A strange yet warm feeling. A blink of the eye and a teardrop. That little fragile human inside me cracked from the emotions it stored and next thing I know my head is buried in a pillow and my system malfunctioning. Hint: When I cry, just let me cry. Don’t give me pep talks.

So anyway, Trisha asks what’s wrong and when I finally control myself,I get up and get on with my chores. Turns out that my body was just prepping me for a serious meltdown later on today because right now, I’m lying on a cold bathroom floor. It’s during moments like these that you have arguments with your body. I called a board meeting for all the systems in my body;circulatory, reproductive,respiratory, endocrine, digestive,nervous even the lymphatic one. I demand to know why I’m in so much pain. I also demand answers to why I can’t stand myself or anyone around me.( Oh no,I’m turning into Squidward😭😭) My systems didn’t even bother with me because they could feel the storm that was brewing. Typical!
I’ve tried it all day. Nothing is working. My heart,just like my sister, refuses to obey me. It’s still pumping instead of dying out slowly in a dramatic way. Don’t worry, I won’t kill myself.No! I just want to lie in bed,lifeless, till the pain goes away. This had me thinking, do women in comas still feel cramp pains? It’s just a thought. A random pointless one just like this post.

Let’s Be Salty.

For those who know me very,very well,you do know that if I make a statement about someone,something or a place without throwing slight shade at it, there are higher powers at work. It’s not that I’m crude,oh who am I kidding?! Yes I am crude! I love it! Little moments like these light up my dark withered heart and get some life into this fat bones. 

Exhibit A.

There’s that guy who led your besty on and later on drops her like she’s hot   (she’s hotter than a hot potato BTW so you’re bound to drop her because of low self esteem issues you probably have). This guy slammed her with the side chick line and then walked out of her life like the shady man he is. Soon enough, he probably felt like he might die alone so he tries to get on her good side. What do I receive next? Oh! Alas it’s screenshots of what he texted. ( Don’t you hate when you get screenshotted?Is this a word? Naaah.) Like the good friend I am, I notice all his typos and realize he wasn’t gonna pass the potential bae bar so its  boy bye for him.

Exhibit B.

When that friend you talked to for ages (and felt like its headed to the next level) suddenly becomes a qualified ghoster. This person has got the whole package; a degree, a job profile and experience as a ghoster. (Ghosting: 1.When someone suddenly cuts all communication with you; 2.When someone performs a Houdini trick on you but still shows up on your social media feed,alive and well.) When this master of the arts reaches out to you, it’s approved by the gods themselves to use statements listed below to escape their traps: 1.I’m the midwife overseeing my dog giving birth. Therefore cancel that lunch date but have the food delivered to my house. 2. I’m in the washroom with a severe case of selfie addiction,call me back at 4:00 A.M. I’m on that Kardashian vybe. 3. I’m watching my life slip away. Can’t talk now. 4. I’m wallowing in self loathing because of the people I give my number to,could you give me a minute or a lifetime? Throw a couple of this their way and wait for the confused reply.

Exhibit C.

When you’re ex hits you up with that “I miss us” text, honey you pick up that phone and type back “I ain’t about that life! Bye Felicia!”

Exhibit D.

When those baddies from down the block reply your DMs coz they heard you hit the jackpot. Best answer : Wouldn’t have been broke forever. Ha! You thought.

Exhibit E.

When that person you’ve crushed on for days finally invites you over. You get your swag on and all but the moment you walk through that door, your sense of smell dies along with a part of you and a plastic smile is instantly plastered on your face. Do yourself and the unfortunate other a favor and just let it out. “Someone died in here right? You are growing mould in this house huh? Ever heard of a word called cleaning?” Don’t suffer when you can speak your mind.

Exhibit F.

Your home girl is getting ready for a hot night out with her boo.She steps out in a dress that makes her look like a  pine needle yet you know she got her strongholds under all that bad fabric. Just bow and shake your head. When she asks what’s wrong, say you pity the person who has to walk around with her in that and pretend she looks amazing. Then right after that, take her back into her room and give her that Kylie transformation.Burn the shady dress when she leaves.

So being salty and shady, my good people, is not a bad thing. Its an art, a movement, a calling,it is what some of us were born to do. Plus its almost a form of correction, on your nasty behavior and your shallow self or just life’s highs and lows. So let’s make the world a better place; Be salty.