Disney Magic.

This week has been hell for me. Can you believe I can’t find any of my Disney movies on DVD?! So yay,internet to the rescue! The sad thing is rewatching these films as a grown up is a real eye opener. Those princes were messed up! They had issues deeper than government scandals. Allow me to enlighten you.

Alladin. The street rat who managed to steal the princess’ and the viewers’ hearts. Sure, he was a thief, talked to Abu ( his monkey) about his problems and was a Robin hood figure to the poor community,we still love this diamond in the rough. Reality check: He’s a compulsive liar. Whether you are a hero or not, lying is a deal breaker now.

Prince Charming. This is the prince who had most girls wearing puffy dresses, their mothers’ heels and bumping into every piece of furniture in the name of waltzing. He even chased after her. Men, all a lady wants is to be followed out when she makes a dramatic exit. Cinderella had it good huh? From grass to grace ey. Reality check: He wants a trophy wife. I dont mind BTW, charming was amazing.

Snow White’s prince had no name. So sad. Sob sob. Anyway, this young man climbed over a wall to sing with her. Snow ran from him but at the end of the movie he saves her from death with true love’s kiss. Reality check: He likes somnophilia. I’m a hopeless romantic too but I’d never kiss someone whose dead. Not even if I got paid.Never ever!

Prince Eric. The dashing young man with dark hair and a smile that could melt the Antarctic. I don’t blame Ariel for falling in love with him at first sight. Truth be told, I’d never defend any man when my father says its stupidity. He’d scare the love right outta me. Reality check: He waits for perfection. In his defense though, Ariel was kinda dumb. Her fascination with the fork was beyond this world.Her dad carried a trident everywhere for Pete’s sake.

Beast. He has no name either. Come on Disney, he’s a main character. I dont know about you but the bad boy thing never works for me. The best part for me was the dance with Belle. It was so enchanting it made me pity myself and these two left feet. So we all knew this, he was verbally abusive and violent but I love him for that last fight up on the roof though. Gaston deserved it.

There’s several others. Simba;won’t get a job. Peter Pan; has a girl on the side. Li Shang; gets pissed if you are not a guy.( What’s the deal with him BTW?) John Smith; him and his buddies won’t leave your house. Hercules; loves his ride more than you.Poor Meg.

So I started a discussion on who the perfect Disney prince is. Some said Prince Phillip who fell in love with Aurora.I partially agree because stalking is the most honest form of flattery. How else would he have found where she was? We have got to applaud the man on waiting a hundred years for his true love though. 

Another said Flynn Rider. He saved Rapunzel from a tower ,from the evil witch, reunited her parents and made her dreams come true.Heres the thing though, I believe I’m supposed to be the only conceited person in my life. Not stealing from me is also a big plus. 

Our hopes were now on the eye candy from across the sea. Prince Naveen of Maldonia. He can sing, he can dance and can throw a line or two at the ladies. Even as a frog he’s a charmer. However, I dont enough money in my name to sustain his gold digging behavior. So boy bye.

After a weekend of searching for perfection, I settled for Quasimodo. He was kind,thoughtful and selfless. He saw nothing but love in a world full of darkness. So prince or not,that eye sore was a sweet soul. A bit naive at times though.

Time changes perspectives but the endings are still happy. I’m off again to sing to Lion King. Feed your inner child.

My Oh My.

It was another beautiful day. I threw my tantrums, cried my eyes out a bit, shouted, pardon me, I meant I raised my voice and wallowed in pity. It’s one of those days you wish you could switch bodies with the nearest person or just go on autopilot for a few.

I have the strangest feeling that this post will be brief or makes no sense. Rolling on the floor in pain isn’t as easy as most women make it seem. Moving on swiftly though.

Yesterday, to escape a lively discussion with the family, I went to bed early to catch up on chatting. When I heard them call my name,my eyes shut and my phone was thrown to the wall. My dearest mother came to the rescue and said I’d slept a long time ago (Thank you.) Unfortunately, I was so happy with my eyes closed that I drifted into a dreamless state till about seven this morning. It’s almost a routine now,so apologizing to the five people I was texting is normal now. ( Popularity has never been my thing. Must be a problem with my sarcasm or my face.) They say goodnight  when I’m quiet for more than five minutes.Good people.

Today started great. Biscuits in bed, parents leaving early for work, no one shouting my name and no one texting me back. Then,the moods kicked in. I ordered my cousin around, argued with my little sister and after a heated exchange of curse words, I felt something.A strange yet warm feeling. A blink of the eye and a teardrop. That little fragile human inside me cracked from the emotions it stored and next thing I know my head is buried in a pillow and my system malfunctioning. Hint: When I cry, just let me cry. Don’t give me pep talks.

So anyway, Trisha asks what’s wrong and when I finally control myself,I get up and get on with my chores. Turns out that my body was just prepping me for a serious meltdown later on today because right now, I’m lying on a cold bathroom floor. It’s during moments like these that you have arguments with your body. I called a board meeting for all the systems in my body;circulatory, reproductive,respiratory, endocrine, digestive,nervous even the lymphatic one. I demand to know why I’m in so much pain. I also demand answers to why I can’t stand myself or anyone around me.( Oh no,I’m turning into Squidward😭😭) My systems didn’t even bother with me because they could feel the storm that was brewing. Typical!
I’ve tried it all day. Nothing is working. My heart,just like my sister, refuses to obey me. It’s still pumping instead of dying out slowly in a dramatic way. Don’t worry, I won’t kill myself.No! I just want to lie in bed,lifeless, till the pain goes away. This had me thinking, do women in comas still feel cramp pains? It’s just a thought. A random pointless one just like this post.

Let’s Be Salty.

For those who know me very,very well,you do know that if I make a statement about someone,something or a place without throwing slight shade at it, there are higher powers at work. It’s not that I’m crude,oh who am I kidding?! Yes I am crude! I love it! Little moments like these light up my dark withered heart and get some life into this fat bones. 

Exhibit A.

There’s that guy who led your besty on and later on drops her like she’s hot   (she’s hotter than a hot potato BTW so you’re bound to drop her because of low self esteem issues you probably have). This guy slammed her with the side chick line and then walked out of her life like the shady man he is. Soon enough, he probably felt like he might die alone so he tries to get on her good side. What do I receive next? Oh! Alas it’s screenshots of what he texted. ( Don’t you hate when you get screenshotted?Is this a word? Naaah.) Like the good friend I am, I notice all his typos and realize he wasn’t gonna pass the potential bae bar so its  boy bye for him.

Exhibit B.

When that friend you talked to for ages (and felt like its headed to the next level) suddenly becomes a qualified ghoster. This person has got the whole package; a degree, a job profile and experience as a ghoster. (Ghosting: 1.When someone suddenly cuts all communication with you; 2.When someone performs a Houdini trick on you but still shows up on your social media feed,alive and well.) When this master of the arts reaches out to you, it’s approved by the gods themselves to use statements listed below to escape their traps: 1.I’m the midwife overseeing my dog giving birth. Therefore cancel that lunch date but have the food delivered to my house. 2. I’m in the washroom with a severe case of selfie addiction,call me back at 4:00 A.M. I’m on that Kardashian vybe. 3. I’m watching my life slip away. Can’t talk now. 4. I’m wallowing in self loathing because of the people I give my number to,could you give me a minute or a lifetime? Throw a couple of this their way and wait for the confused reply.

Exhibit C.

When you’re ex hits you up with that “I miss us” text, honey you pick up that phone and type back “I ain’t about that life! Bye Felicia!”

Exhibit D.

When those baddies from down the block reply your DMs coz they heard you hit the jackpot. Best answer : Wouldn’t have been broke forever. Ha! You thought.

Exhibit E.

When that person you’ve crushed on for days finally invites you over. You get your swag on and all but the moment you walk through that door, your sense of smell dies along with a part of you and a plastic smile is instantly plastered on your face. Do yourself and the unfortunate other a favor and just let it out. “Someone died in here right? You are growing mould in this house huh? Ever heard of a word called cleaning?” Don’t suffer when you can speak your mind.

Exhibit F.

Your home girl is getting ready for a hot night out with her boo.She steps out in a dress that makes her look like a  pine needle yet you know she got her strongholds under all that bad fabric. Just bow and shake your head. When she asks what’s wrong, say you pity the person who has to walk around with her in that and pretend she looks amazing. Then right after that, take her back into her room and give her that Kylie transformation.Burn the shady dress when she leaves.

So being salty and shady, my good people, is not a bad thing. Its an art, a movement, a calling,it is what some of us were born to do. Plus its almost a form of correction, on your nasty behavior and your shallow self or just life’s highs and lows. So let’s make the world a better place; Be salty.

Stuck In Your Head.

“I’ve got to move on and be who I am. I don’t belong with you but I hope you understand. We might find our place in the world someday but the end is here now. I’ve gotta go my own way.” 

She rehearsed these words day after day hoping it’s going to free him from her mind. Yet it felt like nothing had changed. It felt like he still texted her good morning and added an extra cheesy line after it. He still called and made jokes about her throaty laughter.He made funny comments about a specific friend and amazed her with his “private investigation” skills.However when the sun came up over the horizon each day, it got deeper into her head,that he wasn’t coming back. She had deleted everything; the pictures, the messages even his contact details. The memories, however, lived in her mind,forever engraved and reminding her of a life she had. 

” What about me? What am I supposed to do? You know you’re leaving and I’ll miss you and what we had.”

The words played in his head over and over like a broken record. He could still see her making pancakes and bacon at seven in the morning. She was dressed in his shirt and she was still stuffing his hoodies into her oversized night bag (Classic Hoodie Bandit.) He could smell her scent on his bed. It was all over; on the curtain,the rug even in the closet.She was holding his hand in his sleep. To his senses, she was still there. She didn’t finally give up, turn around and walk away. She still fought for their happily ever after,once upon a time. A  glass of whiskey could fill the void she left. It could keep him warm. Even just for a little  while.

She could call him anytime she wanted to. He could text her whenever. They both picked up the phone, almost at the same time, they dialed the number and listened to the soothing voice on the other end. “Dial a Delivery, how can we serve you today?” (You thought!)

These two people, no matter how much we root for them, will never be together. She meets someone who understands her soul and loves her sarcasm. He moves to the sea side and reunites with his high school sweetheart. They are both happy even with a lifetime of memories stuck in their heads.

Where The Heart Belongs.

Sure you’ve heard ‘Home is where the heart belongs’ but have you heard that you can have your heart belong in several other places? KFC, Pizza Hut,FIFA 17,Mr.Price or maybe, just maybe, Netflix. In my case, my heart belongs in my ribcage and that’s where it should be. However,all I want it to do is pump blood.Do your job and quit getting so involved already.

Have you ever fallen in love with a stranger? Weird right? I did once.Before you judge me,let me explain myself. Last year, I feel in love with two strangers. One was rugged,primal and easy on the eyes.The other, a sexy beast,a misplaced angel with eyes that could cut through steel. Therefore don’t judge me for sharing my heart out.

The first stranger I saw every day. Liked strong coffee paired with an English muffin,chicken and a plate of rice and couldn’t forego the occasional caramel bar.Woke up early,sometimes late and read books on gruesome killings.Slightly softspoken but around the right people,was ablaze with stories on recent adventures.Looked amazing in fitted outfits yet a broad smile always completed the look.Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t hiding under the stranger’s bed or in the closet.I saw her every day because the mirrors all over this house let me.Basically, I fell in love with me once I met the right people who taught my heart how to love me for me.(Still envy Selena though. First Justin then Weeknd.Come on!)

The second stranger though.Ohhhhh I get a fever and chills just thinking about him.(At least now you know its a guy.)He was low key.Liked the oddest of things and said weirder things. This stranger,however, could easily get me out into the  galaxy and had me swimming in the Milky Way.There was just something about his words,the way he walked,the way he talked that had me hooked.He was perfect but let’s face it,there is no perfection in human beings. We are all flawed.

The conspiracy theorist in me kicked in. Maybe he wants to harvest my organs.Jokes on him,they might all malfunction from all the toxins I interact with daily. Maybe he wants to make me a drug mule. Maybe he wants to kidnap me and sell me to some old man.Maybe he’s a figment of my imagination. That would explain why he annoys me so much. Thank God for my active imagination. I might have been stuck dreaming of a Cinderella story ending yet I knew very well my fairy godmother is just like Houdini. Always disappearing on me.

Basically, I end up with none of these strangers because the first one is crazy and the second one is probably all in my head.Good news is, when one of them texts me back I’ll put a ring on my finger and make it official;I will not die alone!

These two strangers made me realise something though.The only perfect thing in my life is my heart. My heart will overlook the flaws my eyes see and find a way of dealing with your drawbacks.Either you game too much,party too much,flirt too much or even call me too much. These little things may make me hunt you down one day but I love you for it too. All that matters now is my heart.

Growing Up With Strict Parents.

As a kid,the one thing I was always afraid of was being told that I can’t have something I wanted. A doll I saw in the window of a shop, fairytale storybooks, the new bike my neighbor had or even the chewing gum the shopkeepers sold. I’d then throw a huge tantrum for all to see;I’d scream,kick and shout. That worked for some time,then I grew older.

Having been raised in a typical African environment, one rule was held supreme in child care, ‘Spare the rod,spoil the child.’ However I think we took it too far. You’d get the beating of your life for  petty things like eating at your neighbor’s house, breaking the fine China or calling your younger siblings some funny funny names.Ahhhh, good times.

Basically, by the time I was twelve, the cane had become the only disciplinary action for bad behavior. I wonder what rules stipulated what should be caned for and what shouldn’t. I guess we’ll never know till we get our own headaches called kids. I was beaten for everything from lying to my parents to indiscipline cases I was involved in.By the time I was 16, I knew who was boss and I stick to respecting them.

Here I am; sixteen,really fat and trying to convince myself that I’m the Belle of the ball. I wanted to do it all.Go for rugby games, go to parties, go shopping with the girls, sneak out at night ( This I couldn’t even try,my father hears everything),hit on boys and have them hit on me.With all this raging hormones,I obviously acted up, being all snobby and trying to articulate my words like I’m British and I’m better that you.

So one particular year, I tested the waters and asked my parents if I could go for a new years eve party with my friends. Mother said I should ask my father and when I did,oh,all hell broke loose. I stopped listening to his answer to my request because all I remember is tears welling up in my eyes and Katy Perry’s sweet songs soothing my bruised ego. I’ll never forget this day because my sisters laugh about it almost every time we meet up.

My friends would call me up at eleven pm and say they are going out, so they want me to sneak out and join them. Since I value and cherish my life, I’d politely decline and turn off my phone because I know how persistent my friends are. These same friends would invite me for an event or a house party.I’d ask a lot of basic questions, you know, whose chaperoning,what’s the party for,will there be drinking, what time does it start and end.They’d say I’m being  plain and boring but in actual sense, these are questions I’ll be asked before a decision is made and without this information, the only place I’ll be turning up at,is my bedroom. (It’s quite lovely this time of year BTW)

I finally turned 18.Wooooohoooo! I’m finally legal! I want to do everything. I want to dance, I want to taste some cocktails, I want to stay up late OUTSIDE the house, I want to go to new places but here’s the catch,same old parents. They want reasons and answers to their questions. Eventually,I’d end up in my room and complain how I’m never allowed to do anything. Soon enough I start sneaking off to friends houses for sleepovers or birthdays, we’d go out to these clubs I’d heard so much about and try to have fun.After a couple of months of living a lie, I just stopped.Honestly, my friends overrated their club experiences to me or its just not for me. There’s something about intoxicated people with all manner of behavior that just puts me off.Therefore, I only go clubbing occasionally,when I have to.Like when I turn twenty.Dad,Mum.That’s a hint.

So here I am,on the brink of hitting twenty. I’m no longer a teenager. I can no longer blame my behavior on hormones and bad peers.I’m getting old.Oh Lord why me?! Now it hit me.My strict parents built me. Sure, I’m probably only good at writing and being a housewife now (Thank you Botah for this line) but I am not tied down to the generational lies of what the in thing is and why everyone should do it. To strict parents, saving this generation, one child at a time.

Our Secret Talent.

Every one has done it before. Even your great grandparents did it. In their time,however, it was harder because they didn’t have the internet. One minute you are casually talking to someone and the next thing you know, a voice in your head says go to Google, Facebook and Instagram.That’s right, we’ve all been stalkers at some point. Some of us even advanced in our stalker level.We can work for the CIA now.

I still don’t understand how it works though.The sudden urge to look into someone. Your ex, that hot neighbour, your crush and top on the list, the one that got away. What a time and day to be alive, when I can write an entire book on you based on information I found online. I can find out where you live,what you do for fun and where to find you most of the time.

The ‘research’ I’ve done in a month is enough to land me in prison on stalking charges. Knowing myself, I’d get an extended term because good behavior isn’t something I was born with. It’s all fun and games till he finds that folder full of his details and pictures. This is why you need a passcode to your phone. Please avoid such scenarios. If he still finds them, smile and pretend its a big prank you were pulling on him. If he believes it, end the association. He’s way too gullible and probably still believes that Peter Pan is real.

There was this one time I was on my daily routine, browsing through pictures and status updates.After an hour or so, I’d already known all the schools he’d gone to,who his friends are, if he had any criminal record (funny how people brag about mistakes they made online) and most importantly if he was seeing anyone. Thereafter,a victory dance if he’s single and a prayer to the Goddess of Break-ups if he’s taken. These prayers are to be taken seriously, they work.At least I think they do.

Alternatively, stalking can be a way of pushing away that person who likes you but you don’t feel the same way.It’s way better than saying it to their faces.Find out where they live,his parents names,where he was born, what he looked like as a baby,get a copy of his birth certificate if you have to and show it to him. Unless he is madly in love with you because of unnatural reasons like sorcery, the man will flee from you. He will disappear without a trace. You will be blocked on all communication platforms. Good news though,you’ll have spared his feelings,spared his squad endless stories of how hard he tried to love you and instead have him think you are a psycho instead.

Here’s some basic rules to stalking. Let’s call it Stalking 101. Its something fun;play some music,sip on some wine and have a bubblebath afterwards. Keep the details to yourself; if they don’t need to know, don’t let them know.This is how people end up being questioned by the cops.Last but not least, don’t get caught. What kind of a stalker will you be if you can’t even stay a secret.

We all have been guilty of doing this before. It was fun, it was way more educational than talking to the person and you didn’t end up looking like mental hospital escapee* ( Is this a word? I don’t think so either.) Don’t let that special person down,show them you care,STALK THEM.