Missing Piece.

It’s one of those nights again. Staring at the city lights from my window. The memories I thought had faded come rushing back to me so clearly. The midnight drives. The food. The laughter. The atmosphere. The chemistry. Now all I have is the memories. Do you still have them? Or did they fade like Polaroids.

I remember the love. Love makes you warm,fuzzy and optimistic. You feel like you could conquer anything that comes your way. Love leaves you cold, broken and alone. You feel like nothing could ever hurt you that bad. Nothing ever should. Love creeps up on you,preys on your fantasies and leaves you high up in the clouds.

I have known nothing as beautiful as you and nothing as perfect as us.

Your love also built me. Made me better. Lets say an upgrade for lack of a better word. I said I could never love, seems like you were in cahoots with Love at the time. Touché!

He was a demon to test my honour. A fantasy too real to ignore. He had me spellbound; mesmerizing me with a look that stripped me bare and caressed my senses. He could make me lose control, forget the dreams that drove me and I knew I must resist this seducer. He ignited a fever in my blood, made me feel wildly alive and utterly at risk.

The sad thing about a love so strong is the aftermath. What to do without it. What to do after its all gone down the drain. Curl up on your bed, watch The Notebook again or cry your heart out? Get your hair done, fix your makeup or hit the clubs? Cut your hair short, buy a winery or move on to the next person?

Frankly, there wasn’t a moment I didn’t think about you. Every sky blue car I saw. Every party I went to. Even getting a new outfit. Reminded me of you. Sometimes it even felt like we hadn’t let us go, like we’d fought for it. Then I’d wake up alone,tangled up in my sheets,thinking I had someone to rock me back to sleep.

I was hurting when I walked away. I dont know if you were. Those nights under the stars, with your car parked outside are ones I’d never forget. I’d agree to relive it one last time in a heart beat. Just to feel alive.

He was the fly guy with the dark hair and smooth vibes. I was the curvy girl with a tongue that spit nothing but fire. Now that I think about it I was way too mean to you. At times.

Nothing lasts forever though. Not even Romeo and Juliet. We were The Titanic and we finally hit our iceberg. We were a perfect pair but not put in the perfect situation. We knew we were the perfect match that night out at the club maybe that’s why we burnt out. Too fast a little too soon.

So, I’m still at my window. It’s raining now. The city looks alive like it’s calling out. “Come feel alive.” I’m gonna finish this coffee and get back to Looking for Alaska. The city lights will always remember us. Young, kinda dumb and not totally broke.

 

 


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Pretty Hurts.

We live in a generation where the prettier or more handsome you are, the better your chances of survival are. It’s not being shallow. No. No. It’s fitting into society as we know it; A jungle where people like E.M.O can’t wait to throw shade at you. Myself included but you’re all used to me.
So today is the day I will never forget. I wish I experienced this when I was still in primary school because my composition would have gotten a 40/40 score. No, I did not meet the love of my life. No, I did not win the lottery. No, I did not wake up in Beyonce’s body. Finally, no, I did not wake up to a car in my drive way and Kshs.5000 in my wallet.

Lundi, 21 Août 2017.

THE DAY I THOUGHT I COULD HACK THE SLAY QUEEN LIFE. 

Oh I learnt my lesson. I really did. I’m officially sticking to my boyish ways. The day started out alright. 6:30 AM: Slight clash with dear mother about how my room could be tidier. 6:40 AM: Rolled out of bed. Did my laundry. Found time to look at the clock till 7:30. Then I remembered I had places to be. Off to a cold shower.

Now the real problems began. “What will I wear? Do I really want to wear that? What to do with my hair? These brows tho, gotta fix them up. Lipstick or lipbalm?” Come to think of it guys are really lucky they can throw just about anything on. Absolutely anything and not get judged. Except for the guy I saw in a dress on Sunday that was just wrong. Pray for him people.

I settled for a black top, a yellow Ankara skirt and black boot-block heels. C’est stupide. Mistake 1: Choice of foot wear. I can’t even walk in sneakers right and here I am wearing these shoes. Mistake 2 happened sometime back but I accept the repercussions more each day. I couldn’t draw a decent eyebrow even if my life depended on it. Yet here I was with my mother’s makeup kit doing only God knows what. Didn’t turn out too bad though. Mistake 3: Leaving the house like that. Why don’t people stop me? Why don’t I stop me?

Sure I felt nice. Really nice actually. I got a few smiles. More cat calls than I’d expected. Half off the fare price and some pretty good pictures. In short, I was killing it. I was on fire figuratively but my feet were brewing something serious. Short walk from my house to the bus stop? Oh easy peasy. When I got to town! Words could not describe what my feet felt. Hell, excruciating pain and torture could not cover what it felt like. 
First, you need to walk nice and slow. Too fast and you’ll hit the floor in the most embarrassing way. Walk too fast and all your make up starts running down your face. Especially the mascara and eyeliner, raccoon eyes is unsightly really.

By the time I got to class, I’m tired, angry, confused but since I’m stunting today I’ll smile and walk in like the princess I am. I doubt I learnt any French today. I was distracted thanking God for so much. My boyish ways, the invention of Ubers, sneakers for ladies and team natural. I will never again undermine ladies who put on a full face of makeup, wear heels and walk around looking happy. That needs the grace of God. Its work! Its a hustle! If I ever dress up this much again, there’s some guy I’m trying to impress and he’s got some strong voodoo charms on me. Boyish and comfortable will work for me! 

Thoughts Of A Lost Girl.

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So it’s an especially slow Sunday for me. I woke up at 7:40 A.M ,late for church *again* on the couch where I dozed off early that morning. Its been a while too. I always have something to say,just can’t figure out why I haven’t been writing much. Believe you me,I have been trying to. Every time I open my app though, I get trapped in all these thoughts in my head. If I’ve interacted with you, I either come off as a really cultured person or a nutjob. If you stuck by me, you might be crazier than I am. Lord save us all.😊

These thoughts. Hmmm. They don’t really have  much of a direction or a goal. Just like my life so far. Funny thing is my Art teacher had such high hopes in me. Oh well life is constant disappointments. At times.

At one point I thought about getting everything I ever wanted. No. No. It’s not yet a corner office, a sleek car and an amazing kid. The car I don’t mind my feet are killing me with all this walking. The kid? Let’s put a pin in that. I wanted to start my own thing, make a name of myself when I’m still young and my laziness is not as bad as it is now. Ha! Ha! I’m pretty sure there was a god in the sky that was looking at me and just waiting for the show to start.Popcorn,check!Soda,check! Then he hit play.

Life happened. Life happened in such a major way I derailed myself from everything I’d been dreaming of since….well since the moment I thought of it. I was going to amount to so much. I still will. Someday. Just not today.

Bottom line is, I didn’t do much of that. Or anything at all. Just screw up after screw up. How was I not disowned by my family?! The Lord works in mysterious ways.

What if I did do it? At the right time. When I was still so excited about it. Right now only fried chicken excites me as much. See my life.

Then because my brain doesn’t handle failure well it pushes that thought out for a while and starts up a new storm. “Do I really deserve this?” I’m a really confusing human being. I’ll take this trait proudly cause at least I’m finally accepting it. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a great guy but sometimes he either ticks me off or makes me wonder if I made him up. Then that devil on my shoulder pops up and says,”Start some drama. He’s too relaxed.” I’m terrible at making choices cause believe it or not I’ll listen to that devil. By midnight though, we’ll be apologizing about the fuss and saying goodnight while I’m looking at my phone all dreamily and shit. Dunno about his end.

Totally off topic though. Why is it when you set your mind to not doing something, like eating six pieces of chicken or texting someone back, you get hit with it immediately you make up your mind? The chicken I’ll accept. It was put on earth for a reason. Me! Text backs though, depends with my mood. So offer sacrifices before sending that text.

The one thought I’ll never forget though is this bad habit of throwing shade at people. What psychological disorder is this? Why am I like this? I’d throw shade at myself at times but my friends are on the receiving end more often. In my defense, I’m adding joy to your days by being a sarcastic ray of sunshine. You are welcome. I’ll do it again and again cause I love y’all.

Every time I try to get to the end of anything ,my brain just jumpstarts something new. Perfect example is when I tried to learn to play poker. Long and embarrassing story short; The only game I can play with cards is flowers and AK-47. Somebody save me from myself. The end is near 😂😂. One question though, why are some people so damn annoying yet addictive? I try to change myself so many times but its like my body and my brain likes being inconsistent. I successfully pissed myself off, argued with almost my entire contact list and still had friends in the morning.

Ms.Kassaman, you need help. You even strayed from the main topic you were writing about!

Dancing With The Devil.

Soooooo. It’s been a minute or two or an entire month but guess whose back?!!! Your ray of sarcastic sunshine! I have been away not because I’m sick or depressed or working (Lord I wish I was working. Being broke is so bad it should be a sin.) or gyming to get to some body goals. No. I was doing what everyone does best;being lazy and giving up on things.

For a while, it seemed like nothing was working out in my favour. Not my school life, not my social life ,not my spiritual life and clearly someone is performing strong voodoo on my love life. Have you ever found yourself in such a pitiful situation you look at your reflection in the mirror and feel sorry for it? Well not me. My reflection is so intriguing it distracts me every day for ten minutes and that’s why I’m always late.

The second sin after being broke is living in this generation. The curse of our generation is conforming too easily. Our favorite rappers go on and on about partying and drugs then I’m definitely gonna light up and get fucked up with a bottle of Jack (Can I REALLY afford the Henny they all sing about?). My favorite artist says he has different girls for every day of the week then I’m gonna have a fistful of girls even though I can’t afford to maintain them. My favorite celebrity is popping pills,drinking flat tummy tea and going under the knife every few months and she looks good then hell I want to be booty popping too. Sign me up for whatever she’s doing. Before I get called out on being judgemental, I’ve done most if not all of these things so,calm down, I’m judging me more than you are.

There’s always that moment in your life, be it a second , a day or an entire month when you hated who you were becoming. The raging alcoholic, the human chimney, the biggest trap king or the baddest bitch.( I don’t understand how anything with bitch is a compliment but oh well what do I know.) I had my moment and I’m honestly ready to let it go and be lame again.

Maybe its just me but I’ve got a feeling there’s a lot more of us out here. I don’t like whiskey. Actually, I detest it to some extent. The smell,the taste, the different shades of the amber liquid just don’t appeal to me. However, for almost two whole months, I found myself laughing the night away and forcing it down my throat many a times. Sureeee, I’ll start it off with wine and/ vodka cause who ever embarks on something they don’t like sober ey? It warms you up inside and unleashes the dance freak in you. It can also shut you down fast but oh well,different strokes for different folks. Where was I? Oh yes! My whiskey problem. My whiskey problem has a name, an address and some friends I’d really never want to see again. It all begins and ends with that look in his eyes. That dangerously attractive gleam in his dark emotionless eyes.

It was fun. It was exciting. It was a blood pumping through my veins at 100m/s kinda feeling. The reckless speeds, the endless partying, the fun filled memories, the neon lights, the dinner bills ,the midnight tales we spun. Oh those beautiful midnight tales. All these memories I wish I never made. In the spirit of positivity though, I learnt quite a lot. (1.) I am really good at pretending. (2.) I am a terrible liar. (3.) I prefer vodka over whisky but would choose wine over water. Number one and two kinda contradict each other, so choose one.Number three is on drugs too huh?
I don’t know how far along this road I’d gone when I realised its not what I want. Maybe it was all the late nights. Or the nasty feeling in the morning. Maybe it was the look everyone gave me as I got back home. Or all the nice outfits I had to buy to look nice in. Maybe it finally hit me that I’m not about this type of life.Don’t get me wrong. I’m not against partying. I’m not. I’m against me doing things I don’t want to. 

It took me two months of pretence and killing my liver for me to see that I love being a boring girl. I want to read poems, watch movies, eat popcorn, fantasize to Ed Sheeran’s music and read a book with a glass of Sangria in one hand. I want to have long exciting conversations about fictional worlds and characters. I need to have the occasional update on drama in people’s lives.

First of all though, I need a hitman to take out my Whiskey Problem. This is one persistent person. Maybe he’s half human half donkey cause he can be an ass. We might never know if I keep dancing with this devil.

Girl Meets Boy.

Time flies by.Days,weeks,months even. The empty feeling still eating me up. It’s like I’m stuck in limbo and the only one to save me, is me.

When he cares it’s amazing, it’s like there’s no one in the world but me to him. “I am all he can think about.” 

Then he gets distant. I become another one of the boys with additional features like a great bust, an amazing arse and a beating heart. I fade into the environment around him.

When a few days go by without word from me, he’ll call or text. When I fuss about closure, I’m apparently PMSing. It’s okay honey booboo. You’re right as always. I’ll play the good wife in this black and white movie of yours. I’ll fade into the gray again. Not for long.

If you don’t want to text me, baby don’t. If you don’t want to call me, don’t waste yourself. I don’t like pretending either. Don’t feed me your I was busy, I was distracted BS. If you thought I’m Rihanna, I’m not, because I don’t love the way you lie.

Remember that first time we met? When I saw danger in your eyes but still followed you along because of a silly attraction I thought would fade away. Well that’s a lesson right there. Even when I’m right I’m wrong. Get it? Yeah me neither.

You were my lifeline. Corny right? But slowly….. Steadily…. Your poison’s getting to me. I’m flat lining. I’ve gotta fight you. Your love, your charm and your demons. I’m breaking free. 

You loved me at my darkest, I loved me at my strongest point. When I decided that I dont need you to break me down, I can do that better than you ever will on my own honey. What I’m trying to say makes no sense but….please remember my birthday this year and you won’t have to find out where I’ll bury your sorry self this year.

“Tushy you are absolutely terrible at emotional things you know that?”

“Mandy, I’m terrible at a lot of things. What I’m good at though? No one beats me at it.”

“Yeah I get it but still. Where was that whole story headed? I need to know.”

“It’s how girl meets boy. Its also how boy will meet his maker if he doesn’t give me my attention now.”

“Alryteee Queen Crazy. It’s late. Catch you tomorrow babes.”

(Door opens.)

“Mandy, I’m afraid that the one person that makes me happy is meant to be in witness protection, with bulletproof everything. I’m gonna rain ammunition on him. He hasn’t texted me since you got here! These men are all…”

(Phone rings.)

“Never mind. False alarm. He was seating an exam.”

I Need You.

Hey Kiss Bandit,

Please dont tear this in two. I know you’re thinking it so stop. Just hear me out. Even for a few minutes. If you get halfway through this and think its crap, just burn it. If you get through it all, well and good.

So how have you been? It’s been months and I thought you’d be back by now. Guess I was wrong. 

You look great by the way. I see your  pictures everyday and can’t believe how much you’ve grown. Can beauty increase? Maybe I just never saw it all at the time. 

Remember the time we went for lunch and you got into so much trouble because you got home the next day? What about the time we went dancing? The time you met my friends? I remember the day you met up with me dressed in that red number. I can still see it in my mind. If looks could kill…

I remember how pissed off you got when I ogled at  people on the street or in restaurants. Your eyes sold you out every time. They’d get cold and emotionless. I also remember how happy you were when I held you close. I felt so happy I could die.

Then you left. Disappeared. Without a trace. Almost as if I’d imagined you. Did  it break you how it broke me? Did your days look bleak? Did the wind stop whistling those silly tunes? Or did life go on as usual? 

I need you now. I needed you then and I’ll always need you. We  talked things through but I dont know if we’ll be back to where we were. I hurt you. You hurt me. Let’s consider it a draw. I’ll be better. Trust me. For you, I’ll be better. I’m back now and I want to fix us.

Just cause the joy is all gone, just cause our times already up and just cause I think of you late at night, I’m begging you, dont let it go now. One last chance . I need you most.

XoXo,

Bae.

**Major eyeroll**
I finish up my coffee, wrap my afro up in a scarf and put the letter back in its envelope. I jot down something on a sticky note and slip  it in the envelope too. I reseal the letter and neatly write on it. Return to sender. 

I walk into my room and mutter under my breath, “Bae really does mean poop.” I’ll post it in the morning.

I smiled.

I don’t know if this title works with what I’m gonna write but whatever. He was the one I had been waiting for. The one who’d take my thoughts and my emotions on a drug high. It was crazy! Here I am, trying to act normal and cute but nooooooo, I end up choking on my chicken wing and my laughter turning into a snort when he told a joke. When we parted ways afterwards, it felt like I’d tried and failed an audition. In my head I’m like “There goes his first impression of me and my shame.”

So after a sulky drive home and staring at my screen waiting for a text back forever, I decide to just go to bed. ( PS:I don’t own a car but public transport will never let me down.) One last look at my phone before I lose all hope. Nothing. So I put my head down,pulled my blankets closer and tried to shut out the many excuses my brain made up for the guy. I’m getting really drowsy now, almost shutting my eyes then my screen lights up. Pssht! It’s spam. There’s a second message. It’s from him! Moral of the story: Never lose hope in your looks.
I think I thanked God for the text before opening it. Here’s what he said: 

Hey! I had a lot of fun with you today. You genuinely made me laugh and I’d like to do this again. Text me when you get this. 

Hearts can’t do somersaults but mine did. My lungs are in perfect condition but for a minute there I couldn’t breath right. ” Calm down girl. Be chilled about it.” I typed out a reply fast and couldn’t stop smiling at the screen. We talked all night long.

It’s been a couple of weeks and it’s going on great. Yesterday was movie day and he picked it out. Mad Max. Here’s some advice ladies, never tell a guy you’ve not watched the movie of the year. They make it their priority to put you in the loop.In my defense, I tried to watch it, I just couldn’t pay attention. However, today I’ll stare at that screen and just be happy at how softly he strokes my hair. I’ll be happy leaning on his shoulder. I’ll be happy feeling him around me. 

He said he’ll bring the popcorn this time around. I won’t blame him though. The last time I made popcorn, they got so burnt you’d think they were tiny rocks put in a bowl. I couldn’t even crush them. He’s still to blame though. He distracted me with his superhero powers. He’s probably made of sugar too because he tastes like it.

In the evening,  I was to meet his friends. We met up at our favorite food joint. Remember the one I was choking at? Yeah. He was at the door looking charming as always and smiled when he saw me. This is kind of a big deal, meeting the guys is like putting yourself up for judgement. Harsh, uncensored and cold judgement.

They were seated around a table in the middle of the room looking like the Knights on the Round Table. The moment we sat down, he held my hand and said “She’s beautiful right?” I smiled. The rest is a blur.